Tuhanku penyelamat hidupku
KasihMu penopang di jalanku
Tak pernah diriku takut
Akan badai yang kan menghadang
Karena Kau besertaku.
Tuhan, Kaulah kasih
Penebus hidupku, jaminan keselamatanku
Tuhan, Kaulah kasih
Ajaib perbuatanMu di dalam hidupku Tuhan.
..........
It's a long pause I didn't write anything on this blog. Job and chores really dragged me deeply to the mainstream life of ordinary people. I've been working in the same place for almost 9 months and realized that getting a job is never be the final solution to get a happy life as what I thought before.
I clearly remember the lyric of the song above that I wrote (so long ago) when I was still in the max point of my spirit, well--if I could say so. Then in this very time, it seems like life testing me with those faithful words in the song and honestly I am feeling so bad with it, with the circumstance I face, with the very hard nights I must go through, thinking about my life. To see the lyric I can't believe I can be this very depressed. Really, I am trapped in 24yearold-elis'-life-crisis: no plan, no passion, but exhausted all day long.
I do not have any clear explanation about what happens in my way, why I end up with me hurting myself with a bad way of thinking, negative signal, and destructive idea of life. If there's a point to say, it must be the bitter reality of adults' life.
Previously, I was a quite motivated one, a girl that had tons of plans to be done, a girl who surrendered to God either in good or bad time--well, it is not always perfect though.
Now? I grow old everyday and I'm drowning. I keep feeling insecure and it scares me every nights. You know it is very difficult and hurt to feel pointless, anxiety, and unworthy at your productive ages. Rather, it becomes worse when you don't know what to do to fix it up. Oh so bad I really take myself a seat on the position! Consequently, I start becoming selfish and my condition is the best reason for the situation.
And that's not yet the highest level of the crisis. I don't know how but I can say that I have made a distance with God which is very torturing--I can't help it--but at the same time can't force to be back to Him once again. I am totally like playing a drama. Real dramatic drama.
Why should this all be happened? Is that me who just makes it more complicated? Is that me who's angry at God in situation He puts me in? Is that me who cannot believe in anything anymore?
I have no idea. I am just feeling empty. Exhausted again. Dying in solitude.
EL
